in between the ashes and the flame...

As I was riding my bike to school this morning and jamming out to John Mark McMillan’s “Ashes and Flames,” I pushed myself faster and soared off the rocky road onto the pavement and around a curve to see the most beautiful sight that I have seen so far in my five months in Chiang Rai, Thailand.

It was about 7:45 am with the early morning fog beginning to dissipate and the smoke of last night’s fires settling, while the sun crept slowly into the sky, shedding its light, reminding me of new beginnings and mercies new each morning and His love. It’s perfectly round reflection rested softly on the waters of the rice fields as it moved gently into its daytime position. The world seemed to rejoice and to be singing songs of the sun’s arrival. With the sun being so low in the sky, it seemed both huge and intimate as its rays warmed me quickly and rested on me like love.

Amazed, I stopped on my bike to watch as the guitars kicked in and the words “In between the ashes and the flame, a song that burns brighter than a radio wave, at the remnants of my idols bow the shadow of my shame bow down and scatter like the rain, I can’t stop crying, cause you won’t stop calling my name, calling my name, calling my name up from the ashes” sung over me.

It was a divine moment where my sweet Abba kissed me on the cheek and blessed my day.

Just wanted to share...LOVE YOU ALL!!!

living desperately...

I have realized in the past few days as I prepared to do a 20 day liquids fast that my life right now is desperate. Don't worry! I don't mean desperate like I'm at the end of my rope and going down. When I say my life is desperate what I mean is: I am desperate for God (a person having a great need or desire for something) and I'm fasting out of desperation for God to free me (of an act or attempt tried in despair or when everything else has failed and has little hope of success) from disbelief in His goodness and to help me trust in His complete provision with finances and weight loss and every other generational thing that has plagued me for way too long. I have tried every other solution on my own, and am now in a desperate place to see God's goodness, as He is my Provider, my Keeper, and my Protector.

Sitting in some beautiful gardens here in Thailand at Rajhabat University (CRU) and talking with a friend yesterday, she pointed out the fact that my life right now is desperate, and through the tears, my heart agreed. I am in a prime position to see the Lord move on my behalf as He is my only Hope right now. Starting out this year of 2008, I knew it would be a good year, a year of changes, of new adventures, of moving back to the states, and whatever comes next. It is the year of things long hoped for finally happening...dreams and desires that God planted in me, fruitfully coming into their season. And so I fast, in order to be in the right place when it happens as I am desperate for the Lord: for His hands on me, for His love, for His provision, for His protection and care, for Him.

Here's an inspiring quote by William S. Burroughs to ponder...
"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."
That is where I am at...what I have believed that is incorrect about God, I'm leaving behind, and in this desperate place, meeting with Him, He will bring about the drastic change that I need...

and of course the infamous Henry David Thoreau quote...
"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."
I don't want to lead life without fighting for my hopes and dreams.

I want to live life like George Bernard Shaw when he says, "This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I WANT TO BE THOROUGHLY USED UP WHEN I DIE, FOR THE HARDER I WORK THE MORE I LOVE. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

** Please pray for me in the 20 days until the 31st of January! Thank you so much! If you get any encouraging words for me, don't hesitate to send them my way...

the thing I learned yesterday...

Let me introduce you this Asian influenced toilet...it's name is the Squatty Potty. As you can see there are two places for you to put your feet with your shoes on and then you squat with your clothes on still, requiring incredible balance. In most public squatty potty bathrooms, there is also water all over the ground so most people walk in with their pants rolled up to avoid getting them wet. It is truly an adventure, I tell you no lies!!

However if you don't like reading about bathroom "talk," you can stop now and know just a small part of Asian culture, but you will miss my experiences with it. It is probably more than you want to know about bathrooms in Thailand, but it is quite a funny story, completely humiliating, a little painful, but eventually victorious!!

Yesterday I went with a few friends to Chiang Mai for the day on the cheapy non-air con, cramped beyond belief bus. We stopped halfway and I had to go to the bathroom, but I knew it was a squatty potty and I was honestly scared to use it. It is much harder than you think, so I held it in.

Eventually we got to the mall in Chiang Mai and I couldn't hold it any longer. So in the mall with my friends and a lot of peer pressure, I attempted it once again. I did everything as I was supposed to or so I thought (I won't gross you out with details), but still ended up with pee on my pant leg. I was ridiculously humiliated. It was almost like I was a little kid again, and had "wet" my pants. It is much easier for boys in this arena (just as it is when hiking outdoors). As I attempted to laugh it off while sharing it with my friends, they quickly said, "Oh you are doing it the right way, but I think it's easier the wrong way," meaning I should face the other way. I said, "So every ferong knows this and no one told me?"

With this new wisdom, I was ready to attempt it again in the bus station before we left Chiang Mai. I did everything as they told me and did better...no pee on the pants, but peed on my sandal and had to pour water on it, so my sandal was wet for the entire trip home. But in the midst of it, I pulled or pinched a nerve in my leg and now am in a bit of pain. I'm telling you...this peeing business is exhaustingly hard!!

When we stopped halfway through the trip, I again had to use the bathroom and psyched myself up to squatty potty. I went through the process - rolled up my pants and got into position (haha!!), and then successfully squatty pottied - no pee on my clothes or on me and did it facing the right way. I think I might be turning Thai...

** I do apologize if this offends anyone, but as I promised to tell you all the good, the bad, and the ugly as I live in Thailand. I'm trying to keep my promise (and as embarassing as it is, it is one amazing story).