in between the ashes and the flame...

As I was riding my bike to school this morning and jamming out to John Mark McMillan’s “Ashes and Flames,” I pushed myself faster and soared off the rocky road onto the pavement and around a curve to see the most beautiful sight that I have seen so far in my five months in Chiang Rai, Thailand.

It was about 7:45 am with the early morning fog beginning to dissipate and the smoke of last night’s fires settling, while the sun crept slowly into the sky, shedding its light, reminding me of new beginnings and mercies new each morning and His love. It’s perfectly round reflection rested softly on the waters of the rice fields as it moved gently into its daytime position. The world seemed to rejoice and to be singing songs of the sun’s arrival. With the sun being so low in the sky, it seemed both huge and intimate as its rays warmed me quickly and rested on me like love.

Amazed, I stopped on my bike to watch as the guitars kicked in and the words “In between the ashes and the flame, a song that burns brighter than a radio wave, at the remnants of my idols bow the shadow of my shame bow down and scatter like the rain, I can’t stop crying, cause you won’t stop calling my name, calling my name, calling my name up from the ashes” sung over me.

It was a divine moment where my sweet Abba kissed me on the cheek and blessed my day.

Just wanted to share...LOVE YOU ALL!!!

living desperately...

I have realized in the past few days as I prepared to do a 20 day liquids fast that my life right now is desperate. Don't worry! I don't mean desperate like I'm at the end of my rope and going down. When I say my life is desperate what I mean is: I am desperate for God (a person having a great need or desire for something) and I'm fasting out of desperation for God to free me (of an act or attempt tried in despair or when everything else has failed and has little hope of success) from disbelief in His goodness and to help me trust in His complete provision with finances and weight loss and every other generational thing that has plagued me for way too long. I have tried every other solution on my own, and am now in a desperate place to see God's goodness, as He is my Provider, my Keeper, and my Protector.

Sitting in some beautiful gardens here in Thailand at Rajhabat University (CRU) and talking with a friend yesterday, she pointed out the fact that my life right now is desperate, and through the tears, my heart agreed. I am in a prime position to see the Lord move on my behalf as He is my only Hope right now. Starting out this year of 2008, I knew it would be a good year, a year of changes, of new adventures, of moving back to the states, and whatever comes next. It is the year of things long hoped for finally happening...dreams and desires that God planted in me, fruitfully coming into their season. And so I fast, in order to be in the right place when it happens as I am desperate for the Lord: for His hands on me, for His love, for His provision, for His protection and care, for Him.

Here's an inspiring quote by William S. Burroughs to ponder...
"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."
That is where I am at...what I have believed that is incorrect about God, I'm leaving behind, and in this desperate place, meeting with Him, He will bring about the drastic change that I need...

and of course the infamous Henry David Thoreau quote...
"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."
I don't want to lead life without fighting for my hopes and dreams.

I want to live life like George Bernard Shaw when he says, "This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I WANT TO BE THOROUGHLY USED UP WHEN I DIE, FOR THE HARDER I WORK THE MORE I LOVE. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

** Please pray for me in the 20 days until the 31st of January! Thank you so much! If you get any encouraging words for me, don't hesitate to send them my way...

the thing I learned yesterday...

Let me introduce you this Asian influenced toilet...it's name is the Squatty Potty. As you can see there are two places for you to put your feet with your shoes on and then you squat with your clothes on still, requiring incredible balance. In most public squatty potty bathrooms, there is also water all over the ground so most people walk in with their pants rolled up to avoid getting them wet. It is truly an adventure, I tell you no lies!!

However if you don't like reading about bathroom "talk," you can stop now and know just a small part of Asian culture, but you will miss my experiences with it. It is probably more than you want to know about bathrooms in Thailand, but it is quite a funny story, completely humiliating, a little painful, but eventually victorious!!

Yesterday I went with a few friends to Chiang Mai for the day on the cheapy non-air con, cramped beyond belief bus. We stopped halfway and I had to go to the bathroom, but I knew it was a squatty potty and I was honestly scared to use it. It is much harder than you think, so I held it in.

Eventually we got to the mall in Chiang Mai and I couldn't hold it any longer. So in the mall with my friends and a lot of peer pressure, I attempted it once again. I did everything as I was supposed to or so I thought (I won't gross you out with details), but still ended up with pee on my pant leg. I was ridiculously humiliated. It was almost like I was a little kid again, and had "wet" my pants. It is much easier for boys in this arena (just as it is when hiking outdoors). As I attempted to laugh it off while sharing it with my friends, they quickly said, "Oh you are doing it the right way, but I think it's easier the wrong way," meaning I should face the other way. I said, "So every ferong knows this and no one told me?"

With this new wisdom, I was ready to attempt it again in the bus station before we left Chiang Mai. I did everything as they told me and did better...no pee on the pants, but peed on my sandal and had to pour water on it, so my sandal was wet for the entire trip home. But in the midst of it, I pulled or pinched a nerve in my leg and now am in a bit of pain. I'm telling you...this peeing business is exhaustingly hard!!

When we stopped halfway through the trip, I again had to use the bathroom and psyched myself up to squatty potty. I went through the process - rolled up my pants and got into position (haha!!), and then successfully squatty pottied - no pee on my clothes or on me and did it facing the right way. I think I might be turning Thai...

** I do apologize if this offends anyone, but as I promised to tell you all the good, the bad, and the ugly as I live in Thailand. I'm trying to keep my promise (and as embarassing as it is, it is one amazing story).

SAWAT DII PII MAE!!!

Just a little note to say, "SAWAT DII PII MAE!!!" Happy New Year!! It is 2 hours into 2008, and it looks to be a fabulous year.

My wish for you is "to be able to look backward and say, 'This has been the finest year of my life' -- that is glorious! But anticipation! To be able to look ahead and say, 'The present year can and shall be better!' -- that is more glorious!" (Brother Lawrence's Practicing His Presence)

2007 sure was a good year. Through heart failure recovery and losing one's job and moving halfway across the world and truly learning complete dependence on God, it has been so far the finest year of my life...looking forward to this year which can and shall be better!!

Pics of New Year party with a soccer ball wrapped in Christmas lights dropped slowly from our shower curtain rod in the living room as we counted down and then hugged and ran outside to see fireworks as I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Sawat dii pii mae Thailand. Kop khun kha Chiang Rai." Happy New Year Thailand. Thank you Chiang Rai!! And it was 2008...

Christmas in Thailand

It is December 26th, the day after Christmas. I am sitting in my living room in my pajamas with my very Thai Christmas tree lit up and blinking while watching movies that I received for Christmas: Bridget Jones 1 & 2, Pride and Prejudice, and maybe even a little Meet Me in St. Louis (which I already watched on Christmas Eve, but LOVE SO MUCH!!). You might be asking what makes a Thai Christmas tree...well, with the limited selection of decorations here, we have six totally varied colored and width and designed tinsels on the tree, brightly and randomly blinking red, yellow, green and blue lights, little presents wrapped in red, blue, green and gold shiny paper, and a dull gold star on the top. When there is little to choose from, you make do.

I have had a pretty good two days starting Christmas Eve day with having a friend, Cece, over for the day. We watched movies and ate popcorn, then got dressed for a fantastic dinner at the Ducit, a resort in town. It was a special buffet for the ferongs in Chiang Rai, and everyone was dressed up in their very best. We had a huge table of friends from the school I teach at, almost 25 people and many more from the community but we didn't get to sit with them all. As everyone got up to start getting food, many headed to the salad bar and to the fruit table. Cece, Jo (another girlfriend from school), and I headed smartly to the dessert table. I say if you are going to eat amazing food, start with what is best...dessert!! AND IT WAS AMAZING!!! There were 10 different cakes and dessert pies...an incredible and most wonderful chocolate fondue fountain with strawberries to dip in it...individual chocolate mousse servings in mini martini glasses...then I had some carrots and peas and pork braised in a strawberry chutney sauce which was like a beach party in your mouth!! While eating, a Thai Santa Claus walked through the crowd handing out presents to the kids. You've never seen Santa till you've seen the Thai version...shorter, not so fat, and no white beard...it was crazy!! For Christmas Eve, the food was divine and the fellowship was good too.

Woke up the morning of Christmas, called my sister and Mom, skyped friends spread all throughout the world from Colorado to Australia...then got dressed in my one Christmas t-shirt, jeans, and a green sweatshirt to take along in case it got cold. Quickly I prepared my stuff to take along to the Penningtons and Tubbs, who had invited me to come along to their family celebration. These were my friends from Texas, whom I love very much and am so glad to have here as family. I rode my bike over to their house and dinner began at like 2pm. We had more roasted pork in a barbecue sauce, sour cream and cream cheese mashed potatoes, a salad made with strawberries, mozzarella cheese, peanuts and a sweet homemade dressing, and so much more. IT WAS A SPLENDID DAY, considering I wasn't with my family or friends.

Overall, the holidays were alright...I think being away has changed me and changed the ways that I celebrate the holidays. It was a simple and peaceful time with not having so much to do in so little time. I want to be intentional about life in general as I don't want to ever fill up my schedule just out of obligation, but I want to choose carefully all that I do with time, money, etc. I've realized some very important parts of Christmas that are pertinent to any celebration - being with loved ones, spending quality time with those closest to you, being in the moment which allowed me to celebrate Jesus' birth and gift of life that has never been more a part of Christmas than this year when I've been seeking Him as the sole support of my daily moments. Though many tears (and I mean many) were shed throughout the past week, I wouldn't trade missing out the family and friends for meeting Jesus more intimately, in addition to the memories I have made here which are priceless and forever a part of me: the me right here, right now.

May this holiday season continue to reveal the peace of Christ to you and yours...

** The peace sign is an Asian thing, when taking pictures, the fingers go up...I'm working on it, because it doesn't look totally natural yet, but very soon...

Trust...in my words and a few others

If I could sum up my experiences in Thailand so far, it would be in that one word: TRUST. I am learning to trust Jesus with everything, especially the areas that I've held onto for probably a bit too long like weight and finances. Being a missionary, I assumed would not require as much trust as I had raised the right amount of money before I left the states, but God had other ideas. I have had a few sponsors unable to send funding, and all for absolutely justified reasons, but it's not them not sending the money, it's that God is asking me to trust Him. My plan has failed, and He's lovingly wooing me to trust Him and His plan.

One scripture I've been meditating on is: Acts 20:24 - "But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about God's wonderful kindness and love." So I press onward...deeper into trusting...loving and being loved...hoping to do the work He has assigned me too, and knowing confidently that He who has called me will fully equip and provide for the calling.

My sweet friend, Jodi, painted a picture on Trust, which has spoken great depths to me, so I'm including that and her website (http://www.JodiStyle.com) - go to it, buy stuff...SHE'S INCREDIBLE!!! What a picture of trust...a beautiful girl, hanging on and having a sweet guide keeping her company...I LOVE IT!!! I so felt this way today!

And for your inspiration...I went looking online for quotes on trust, but found few that were inspiring. Seems trust isn't a common thing these days, but I pray differently for all of us...
Frank Crane - You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.
Henry David Thoreau - I think we may safely trust a good deal more than we do.
Indira Gandhi - You can't shake hands with a clenched fist. (so true...try it sometime, doesn't work!)
Walter Anderson - We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.

And my favorite and most inspiring woman: Mother Theresa of Calcutta - I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

If you've ever felt that way, be encouraged...I am right there with you...knowing if God didn't trust me, I wouldn't be here and knowing that He placed me here to fully experience Him right now for whatever comes next!!

weekend in chiang mai...

With the King's coronation celebration weekend and getting two days off of school, Cece (another volunteer teacher and friend) and I headed to Chiang Mai to do whatever...no plans, no expectations...except that I would get as MUCH STARBUCKS as I could possibly fit into my system. That is really all I wanted to do.

It started with a short ride to the bus station from our neighborhood, where we bought our tickets ($3) on a non-air-conditioned bus (with fans but seats made crampt for Thais to fit in as many as possible). On the way we talked about everything. I tried to read as I have about three books to read each week (this week was Rime of the Ancient Mariner and other poems, Till We Have Faces, and The Great Gatsby). I was pretty focused as you can see in the picture.

As we were riding up and down the mountain passes as quickly as our bus would carry us, it got a bit too hard to read and I got a bit carsick or bus-sick. A boy in the row next to us started throwing up and kept throwing up for awhile. If you know me, I had to plug my ears and look out the other window so I didn't do the same. It was awful for him and for us having to listen (or trying not to), but these buses don't stop for anything, sometimes not even for wrecks.

Once we arrived, we got a ride into town and got out right in front of my paradise...Yes, Starbucks. I was so SO excited. We went in immediately instead of eating lunch and got a yummy holiday drink: Cece a Peppermint Mocha and me a Soy Toffee Nut latte...OH WOW!!! I sure missed good coffee.

As we settled down to chat for a bit, a male employee walked up to me and asked me in English, "Do you live in Chiang Mai?" I said, "No, I live in Chiang Rai." He said, "How many times you come to Chiang Mai?" I said, "This is my second time." He said, "I've seen you at the two other Starbucks. I like you. I remembered you." I said, "Yeah I think that weekend I went to both, because I used to work at Starbucks and I love it." He smiled big and walked off. Weird...I know!!

After chilling there for a bit, we went to check into a hotel, which ended up being in kind of a seedy part of town as we found later that night. We got changed to go to the huge market, which is about a mile long and five streets are involved crammed full of vendors, people begging for money, and so much more...it is an ADHD person's nightmare...you cannot think or concentrate...it is overwhelming. I will add a picture later of how crammed it was. It was like a solid river of people moving one way on one side of the street and the other on the opposite side. I bought a sweet lamp for my house upon returning to the states and enjoyed looking at the street art and hearing the musicians. It was incredible.

Since we were walking so much, we sat down to get a foot massage including oil and pressure points for only 60 baht, which is $2. It was for 30 minutes and was incredible until this man sat down with us and started talking. There was also an Israeli family getting massages for their three kids: a son about 12, a daughter about 7, and the youngest about 3 (which made quite a stir with her getting her feet massaged). Several Thais stopped to take pictures because she was so cute and smiled the entire time. It was less enjoyable as this man, who said he was from Papua New Guinea, but was a man of the world and had lived everywhere kept talking. He would have won an award for most stereotypes spewed out in a few minutes. But humorously, I kind of enjoyed it as I was reading The Great Gatsby, and he kind of reminded me of Jay Gatsby, the man that tells lots of great stories, but who knows for real what he is or who he is...a man of the world, a man about town...and a wee bit crazy!!

We took lots of pictures with the millions of yellow Thai lanterns put up to celebrate the King's birthday last week and the Coronation celebration this weekend. (As you can see, I am making the peace sign, which is totally a Thai thing for when they take pictures...haha!!) There was also a Thai's Christmas tree made of only lanterns as you can see. Absolutely beautiful...a fantastic weekend...not much rest, but lots of Starbucks (two more the next day...yahoo!!)

On our way back to our hotel that night, this is what we saw in the streets...not too uncommon I guess as we were the only ones taking pictures.


Blessings on you all as the Christmas holidays come around and you prepare for them and may the realization of who Jesus is to you be so real in this season!! He is the reason for everything!!