all up in it...

This past week I've been really having a hard time missing family and friends, counting down the days almost every day and disappointed when time doesn't seem to pass as quickly as I want it to. I got a few emails from friends speaking to this without really knowing it, suggesting that I take time to really get alone with Jesus and allow Him to fulfill my needs, especially when I'm feeling lonely even in the midst of loads of people.

So I did. Yesterday I took a day off with Jesus. I spent time intentionally with Him doing some of my favorite things as I wanted Him to be a part of it...a long bath, some awesome worship music, time with a friend, watching an inspirational and God-revealing movie, and then just being with Him. I even got work done faster than I imagined and got to be early and had a restful night sleep.

The realization hit me that Jesus just wants to be with us. He doesn't need big plans and fanfare, but He still comes through that and hangs with us. He doesn't have to have minute by minute plans, but will come and chill despite our schedule's busyness. I realized that like a friend that is closer than a brother, and a man that wants to be a lover, He is completely captivated by us and desperate for our time. He is willing to sit and wait for us to get a clue and turn around or open the door and say, "Come in." I woke up this morning and realized that I am just a girl, and He's just the man to knock on the door of my heart and once opened, will love me like I've never been loved or ever will be loved. He has no agenda and no list of things needing to be done. He just wants to love me. Why do I make it so hard?

I'm working on it...the getting all up in it with Him and leaving everything else alone...

the way to live...

I love getting those emails in the morning that remind you of what is most important: relationships! From talking to my bestee on the phone to receiving an email from a longtime missing friend...I am reminded of how important we are to each other! I want to take a moment to thank you for your friendship and love and support! You are loved! Each and every one of you that supports me, thinks about me, prays for me, sends money, sends care packages...all of you are here with me in this adventure and you will be receiving rewards in Heaven for your part! From being here first hand, the jewels will be incredible as the spirit is pervasive and changing me from the inside out!!

Just a short reminder of the way to live...
Life is short! (and time moves too fast...only like 16 weeks till I come home)

Break the rules! (when I read this, I think of the WAR OF ART and giving Resistance a good shove in the booty or a kick in the face...let's pursue the higher places whether that be a new job, an artistic expression we've let sit too long, or whatever else we've let get too comfy)

Forgive quickly! (no other way to live)

Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably.. (absolutely no other way to live, as I was on the phone with beth this am and was told several times to laugh a little quieter...oh the times we'll have when I get back!!!)

And never regret anything that made you smile. (a little harder, but forces us to be and to really BE in each moment to fully live it!!!)

On a Monday morning, I'm thinking it's a good time to re-energize and not dread the entire day with a "case of the Mondays," but let's live each day to the fullest...SEIZE THIS DAY!!! Love you all so much! Miss your smiles and hugs, but see you soon!

One hot American...

It's not every day this event occurs and I think it might only happen in Asian countries, and specifically in Thailand...here's the story:

I was meeting my friend, Kyndra, for coffee. Since it was the first coffee since my fast was over, I didn't want to order something too sugary but I wanted to taste the coffee, which here is sometimes a challenge with the amount of sweetened condensed milk they add to every drink. So Kyndra ordered a latte first with soy milk, then I ordered an americano. The lady then repeated back our order, "One latta soy and, um do you want it hot or cold?"
I said, "Hot, please."
She said, "Okay, one latta soy and one hot american."
I said, "What? I didn't know you could order hot americans here...yes, I want one of those!!"

Needless to say it was the best hot american I've ever had here and definitely the best hot americano!!! HAHA!! Oh language differences...they make the world a happier place!

Revelation and the future...

Family and friends: those who support in finances and prayer...all who love me and whom I love so much and miss in ridiculous amounts...I cannot believe it is already February and I only have 3 more months to go before I start heading home the second week of June...

So let me catch you up on what's new with me...

I finished the 20 day fast and had such a crazy time of revelation. One week before I finished it, I was hanging out with a girlfriend here, who was telling me her story about how God called her into permanent missionary work here. I felt God pulling on my heart, but wasn't quite sure what that meant, and I thought, "No way. I'm not staying here."

As we got home, I put it out of my mind. A couple of YWAM girls were over and were doing worship. We began worshiping and singing about God's love. I'm on that like white on rice! (thanks Jon V. for that) As we were singing, I began to cry as I felt the Lord again touching my heart and asking me, "Do you trust me? Do you really trust me?" I said, "Lord I love you, isn't that enough?" He said, "Do you trust me? Do you trust that if I asked you to stay longer, it would be the best for you?" I started crying and I mean tears pouring out of me like a flooded rice field in monsoon season. I laid down on the hard concrete floor of my cement house and cried for about 30 minutes knowing what God was doing...loving on my heart until I gave way. And after that 30 minutes I couldn't say no...I mean when He shows up like that...I couldn't refuse Him.

So I journaled about it saying, "Okay God, if you call me here for longer or permanently, you will have to help me walk it out because i miss home like crazy. I started thinking about it and praying about it...I voraciously read books about God's purposes to see if He ever changed His mind...asked a few friends and got all negative answers...though I knew that God did with Abraham and Isaac, so I was hoping for the best!!

Then last Thursday after waking up, I remembered a dream I had really clearly...I was leading worship from the guitar in a room full of youth. I woke up thinking, "I need to learn how to play guitar," so I started practicing the four chords I know: G, D, Emin, and C. I will take lessons starting in the next month or so. I prayed that if this was indeed the case that I was going back to the states, I wanted to find a seminary in Colorado and also not be needed here. These two were my sincere prayers asking the Lord to bless this and open doors for me that would be obvious.

The same day, the curriculum chair came to me with next year's adoptions and showed them to me...she said basically that knowing I hadn't been planning on staying, they adopted a curriculum for a non-trained English teacher to use. I am responsible to write literature curriculum before I leave, but then they would be completely set up for next year. I WAS LIKE FOR REAL...it was that easy???

Then looking online I found Fuller Seminary in California that JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE A SATELLITE BRANCH IN COLORADO SPRINGS. You might ask: Seminary?? I don't necessarily need an additional Masters as I have one in Secondary Education, but I want to be fully prepared and equipped to lead youth and be a mentor, having all the necessary skills in Biblical Studies and how to share honestly with students and parents about life and being a teenager. So I'm applying there to get a certificate in youth ministry with a specialization in Young Life to enable me to possible intern with Young Life, a ministry to students in schools, and possibly assist with youth at church and work at Starbucks to support myself and pay living expenses.

Since this just happened this week, I am walking this out prayerfully, but have such peace it is hard not to put the cart before the horse. I am praying for an open door for ministry both in church and also in public schools, also for provision, but I am completely confident that the Lord will provide for all my needs (car/truck/motorcycle, place to live, part time job, etc) as my peace is beyond understanding and my heart is beating so fast as I type this.

I also learned how to ride a motorbike this week. I faced my fears after having a dream about riding a motorbike. It is something the Lord is teaching me about facing fears and that once I get up to them, they aren't so bad after all, as with most things I fearl. I am really enjoying the wind blowing in my hair and the freedom it brings in enabling me to get out and do whatever - like grocery shopping, going to get coffee with friends, and SO MUCH MORE!!!

Just an update on funds...I am still seeking enough to get home, but I will let you know as the flight plans have changed and with it the expenses. I'm estimating around $1500 instead of $2000. And there is still a shortage of $200 per month for the last five months, which so far God has provided in January.

Blog site is: http://www.Iam4thai.com.

This is the address where you will send support to:
Joy to the World Foundation
4570 Hilton Parkway, Suite 203
Colorado Springs, CO 80907
Iam4Thai - project name

My address in Thailand for letters and such is:
Stefanie Hallman
P.O. Box 48
Baan Duu Post Office
Chiang Rai, Thailand 57100

I am so appreciative of those who have been supporting in donations and prayer as well, because it has been a life-changing six months already and I am confident there is much more for me to get while here.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

Stefanie

in between the ashes and the flame...

As I was riding my bike to school this morning and jamming out to John Mark McMillan’s “Ashes and Flames,” I pushed myself faster and soared off the rocky road onto the pavement and around a curve to see the most beautiful sight that I have seen so far in my five months in Chiang Rai, Thailand.

It was about 7:45 am with the early morning fog beginning to dissipate and the smoke of last night’s fires settling, while the sun crept slowly into the sky, shedding its light, reminding me of new beginnings and mercies new each morning and His love. It’s perfectly round reflection rested softly on the waters of the rice fields as it moved gently into its daytime position. The world seemed to rejoice and to be singing songs of the sun’s arrival. With the sun being so low in the sky, it seemed both huge and intimate as its rays warmed me quickly and rested on me like love.

Amazed, I stopped on my bike to watch as the guitars kicked in and the words “In between the ashes and the flame, a song that burns brighter than a radio wave, at the remnants of my idols bow the shadow of my shame bow down and scatter like the rain, I can’t stop crying, cause you won’t stop calling my name, calling my name, calling my name up from the ashes” sung over me.

It was a divine moment where my sweet Abba kissed me on the cheek and blessed my day.

Just wanted to share...LOVE YOU ALL!!!

living desperately...

I have realized in the past few days as I prepared to do a 20 day liquids fast that my life right now is desperate. Don't worry! I don't mean desperate like I'm at the end of my rope and going down. When I say my life is desperate what I mean is: I am desperate for God (a person having a great need or desire for something) and I'm fasting out of desperation for God to free me (of an act or attempt tried in despair or when everything else has failed and has little hope of success) from disbelief in His goodness and to help me trust in His complete provision with finances and weight loss and every other generational thing that has plagued me for way too long. I have tried every other solution on my own, and am now in a desperate place to see God's goodness, as He is my Provider, my Keeper, and my Protector.

Sitting in some beautiful gardens here in Thailand at Rajhabat University (CRU) and talking with a friend yesterday, she pointed out the fact that my life right now is desperate, and through the tears, my heart agreed. I am in a prime position to see the Lord move on my behalf as He is my only Hope right now. Starting out this year of 2008, I knew it would be a good year, a year of changes, of new adventures, of moving back to the states, and whatever comes next. It is the year of things long hoped for finally happening...dreams and desires that God planted in me, fruitfully coming into their season. And so I fast, in order to be in the right place when it happens as I am desperate for the Lord: for His hands on me, for His love, for His provision, for His protection and care, for Him.

Here's an inspiring quote by William S. Burroughs to ponder...
"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."
That is where I am at...what I have believed that is incorrect about God, I'm leaving behind, and in this desperate place, meeting with Him, He will bring about the drastic change that I need...

and of course the infamous Henry David Thoreau quote...
"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."
I don't want to lead life without fighting for my hopes and dreams.

I want to live life like George Bernard Shaw when he says, "This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I WANT TO BE THOROUGHLY USED UP WHEN I DIE, FOR THE HARDER I WORK THE MORE I LOVE. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

** Please pray for me in the 20 days until the 31st of January! Thank you so much! If you get any encouraging words for me, don't hesitate to send them my way...

the thing I learned yesterday...

Let me introduce you this Asian influenced toilet...it's name is the Squatty Potty. As you can see there are two places for you to put your feet with your shoes on and then you squat with your clothes on still, requiring incredible balance. In most public squatty potty bathrooms, there is also water all over the ground so most people walk in with their pants rolled up to avoid getting them wet. It is truly an adventure, I tell you no lies!!

However if you don't like reading about bathroom "talk," you can stop now and know just a small part of Asian culture, but you will miss my experiences with it. It is probably more than you want to know about bathrooms in Thailand, but it is quite a funny story, completely humiliating, a little painful, but eventually victorious!!

Yesterday I went with a few friends to Chiang Mai for the day on the cheapy non-air con, cramped beyond belief bus. We stopped halfway and I had to go to the bathroom, but I knew it was a squatty potty and I was honestly scared to use it. It is much harder than you think, so I held it in.

Eventually we got to the mall in Chiang Mai and I couldn't hold it any longer. So in the mall with my friends and a lot of peer pressure, I attempted it once again. I did everything as I was supposed to or so I thought (I won't gross you out with details), but still ended up with pee on my pant leg. I was ridiculously humiliated. It was almost like I was a little kid again, and had "wet" my pants. It is much easier for boys in this arena (just as it is when hiking outdoors). As I attempted to laugh it off while sharing it with my friends, they quickly said, "Oh you are doing it the right way, but I think it's easier the wrong way," meaning I should face the other way. I said, "So every ferong knows this and no one told me?"

With this new wisdom, I was ready to attempt it again in the bus station before we left Chiang Mai. I did everything as they told me and did better...no pee on the pants, but peed on my sandal and had to pour water on it, so my sandal was wet for the entire trip home. But in the midst of it, I pulled or pinched a nerve in my leg and now am in a bit of pain. I'm telling you...this peeing business is exhaustingly hard!!

When we stopped halfway through the trip, I again had to use the bathroom and psyched myself up to squatty potty. I went through the process - rolled up my pants and got into position (haha!!), and then successfully squatty pottied - no pee on my clothes or on me and did it facing the right way. I think I might be turning Thai...

** I do apologize if this offends anyone, but as I promised to tell you all the good, the bad, and the ugly as I live in Thailand. I'm trying to keep my promise (and as embarassing as it is, it is one amazing story).