a song you need to hear

A dear friend sent me an email with part of this song in it, and I wanted to share it with you all as it had such a great ginormous (and lots of other bigger words) impact on me as I listened to it. All of you who know me know that I'm a cryer during sappy love movies, ridiculous Disney movies, and also at very important times...as Mark Weaver (a CO brother and friend) says, "Pay attention to what makes you cry as it is important" (i butchered his very intelligent words, but i haven't heard him speak in awhile, so i'm doing the best i can from so far away).

As I listened to this song, "Peace" by Jason Upton, it pulled on some major things in my heart and made me weep. And I'm taking time to pay attention to those things. You can be praying for me as I do...

Here is a sight where you can hear it: http://mirjamruth.imeem.com/music/b4yZAvdb/jason_upton_peace/

and here are the lyrics:

Peace
From Open Up the Earth by Jason Upton

I wanna know Your heart
Like a child knows his father
And I wanna know Your voice
Like my little boy knows my voice

When I hear You at a distance
When the world can’t make it out
I can hear it comin
Your voice, oh Father
Your voice, oh Father
The still, small voice

And I wanna hear your Voice, oh Father
Even when it seems at a distance
When people think I’m crazy
For thinking I can hear You

I wanna know Your voice, oh Father
I wanna hear it comin
I wanna be the first around the corner
To take Your hand and walk with You
To the chair that You have
And sit down on Your lap and hold on

Sometimes that’s all we do as children
Is just hear Your voice come runnin’ round the corner
And hold on

Sometimes that’s what it feels like to be a child of God
It’s just holding on

And I declare over you that the enemy’s camp tonight
Is not fearful of a generation puffed up with Christian pride
But a childlike generation
That all it knows how to do is hold on

I wanna hold on to You Father
More than I run and play or dance around
I wanna hold on to you Father
Sit on your lap and hear Your voice whisper over me
In the midst of the storm, “Peace.”

Oh I give you peace
The strength of a generation is peace
Jesus said, “I want to give you peace, oh children.”
Oh, the peace that comes beyond the understanding
Oh, the peace that comes on knowing the whisper of a father

I give you peace
In the midst of your brokenness
I give you peace
In the midst of your emptiness
I give you peace
In the midst of the moments when you feel so dry
I give you peace
I give you peace
I give you peace
When you feel you can’t go on
I give you peace
When rejection’s far too much
I give you peace
When the shame, the shame’s too unbarable
And the world seems so cruel, I give you
I give you peace
The times you take off
I give you peace
The times you are fearful
I give you peace
The peace of a child
Holdin’ on

I wanna see the cloud
The cloud coming
When no one else sees the cloud
I wanna see it’s coming
Gimme eyes, oh father, and faith like a child
And ability to feel the same and know it
I see it comin’ now
I wanna see you comin
Before the world, i wanna see you comin
I wanna know you’re comin
Over the army, over the warriors
Know you’re comin
You’re comin to rescue me
I know you’re comin
In the midst of the trial
I know you’re comin
In the midst of the circumstance
I know you’re comin
So I’ll wait

In restlessness that’s only that of a child waiting for his dad
Shaking on the inside
Can’t wait til you come home
Can’t wait til you come home
Can’t wait til you come home
Can’t wait til you come home
Gimme the faith of a child
With a restlessness inside
Just waiting to see you, father
Before anyone else sees you
Waiting to hear you, father
When your voice is still off in the distance
I hear you comin
I can hear you comin
Your kingdom coming
I wanna be your child

the beach...

i just came back from a week at the beach in hua hin, thailand...thankfully a friend owns a villa there and allowed me and five friends to stay there for a very very small amount of money! it was a week of relaxation, swimming in the ocean, swimming in the pool, playing pool, checking internet once a day only, eating good food like barbecue (oh how i miss it), hamburgers and french fries (always lovely), chicken and som tam and sticky rice (i think my favorite thai meal), having starbucks coffee (love it too and miss it already), and so much more! fond memories made on the beach with friends that i didn't know that well, but now know much better!

it also included a body floating up to the shore, pushed by the waves...from what we saw, he had been in the water at least overnight if not longer...rigor mortised, bloated, scratched up from some rocks and shot at least 3 times...the Thai workers on the beach, pulled him out of the water and covered him up with a towel only...his arm was still sticking up...it was crazy as we all waited for the cops to show up and people would be walking down the beach, calmly strolling, pondering life and its meaning, then they would see him laying there, do a double take as he was covered up with a towel and the closer they got, they could see he wasn't moving and they probably caught a hint of his 'smell'...then they would go the nearest person and talk about it, usually gesturing wildly! it was amazing and one moment or a few moments that i will never forget!

and still there's almost 8 more days of spring break to read 2 Dickens' novels, write, exercise for the triathlon coming up in 8 weeks and rest...

awww rest!! and only 61 more days until i leave Thailand head for home...seems to be speeding up as my goal still is to BE fully wherever i am...this week i realized if i put my roots deep down into God and into His love, i can do that...so that is what i'm doing...putting my roots deep down into Him!

Sonnet writing in 11th grade LA...

With my two 11th graders this week, we did sonnet circle writing, where each of us started our own poem then switched in a circle, taking turns writing a line each time. We started each sonnet giving it some direction and then finished the couplet (last 2 lines) in order to conclude it as we wanted.

Here is mine...

"Now's" Sonnet (the sonnet owned by right now)

There is one thing that makes my heart beat fast,
fast, fast, fast, faster than I've ever had,
Today I saw a guy I like walk past,
I followed him, he turned and looked so sad,
I asked him gently if there's something wrong,
I was so glad he had me in his eye,
He spoke to me his heart wounds that went long,
And he could take more time which I wouldn't mind,
We shared the time that would last to the end,
because all we're guaranteed is right now,
I wish I could stop time where we had spent,
I promise I will not let you feel down.
From this moment on, it is just us two,
I am all you'll need; all I want is you.

I started this poem and wrote every third line and the couplet at the end...what fun and challenge - having an idea of where I want to go and it being different from the other two writers, but still having to keep it moving the same direction!!

Thoughts on Easter and trust...

Yesterday I had an inspiring conversation with  my mentor at school, where we talked about trust and how much easier it is to trust in things like getting in your car and knowing you will most likely make it to work or that the coffee you are about to drink is good for you or at least will satisfy some need in your body or the food that you are about to ingest from a food stall on the streets of Thailand will not kill you and that the deworming you recently did will keep you safe from worms that have in other people gone to their brain and killed them or that you will have enough money to pay for rent or an endless number of things...

I trust in all that more than I trust in God because it is easier to trust in the chair that I'm about to sit in than something so big and intimidating and something I cannot touch but is still all around me.  Why is that?  

After the conversation I began asking God that in this season, on the celebration of the sacrifice and resurrection of His Son, Jesus, that He would renew again my trust in Him, making it easier to believe that when I don't have enough money, He will provide (as He has done oh so many times and again quite recently this week a huge amount and just because He is my Abba, my Father and He loves me), and He will protect and He will BE to me everything I need and more.  

So when I read this devotion this morning from Henri Nouwen, it totally fit and I wanted to share it with you...

The vision that Jesus gives us is this: That I am unconditionally loved, that I belong to God, and that I am a person who can really trust that.  When I meet another person who also is rooted in the heart of God, then the Spirit of God in me can recognize the Spirit of God in the other person, and then we can start building a new space, a new home, a house, a community.  Whether we speak about friendship, community, family, marriage, in the spiritual world, we are talking about spirit recognizing Spirit, solitude embracing Solitude, heart speaking to Heart.  And where this happens, there is an immense space.  (Henri Nouwen's Lecture at the Scarritt-Bennett Center)

Be blessed this Easter weekend with the realization of the Love that He has for you and trust in it!!  I love you all and wish you a sweet time with Him and with those in your community!!

We are all bruised...

Henri Nouwen's devotional for yesterday, St. Patrick's Day, March 17th, 2008:

Some of us tend to do away with things that are slightly damaged. Instead of repairing them we say: "Well, I don't have time to fix it, I might as well throw it in the garbage can and buy a new one." Often we also treat people this way. We say: "Well, he has a problem with drinking; well, she is quite depressed; well, they have mismanaged their business...we'd better not take the risk of working with them." When we dismiss people out of hand because of their apparent woundedness, we stunt their lives by ignoring their gifts, which are often buried in their wounds.

We all are bruised reeds, whether our bruises are visible or not. The compassionate life is the life in which we believe that strength is hidden in weakness and that true community is a fellowship of the weak.

This devotional spoke deeply to me. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend over coffee yesterday, and the Lord softened my heart regarding the way I treat friends...people I say I love but have challenges living with in community whether here in Thailand or in the states. If I indeed love them, then it requires more of me...to see them for who God created them to be, to look past their woundedness to see their blessed giftings, to continue to pursue friendship and relationship and community even with those who rub me the wrong way, which means sucking it up, putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it (confronting only when necessary and loving enough to let go the rest of the time...generally all the time!!), because that is what LOVE DOES...

Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken.

I cannot help but think if we loved that well and if I loved that well...the impact on the community in which we live...where we prefer others over ourselves, where we serve each other, where we think the best of each other, where we look out for the other even above ourselves and our own needs, where we forgive quickly because we know they didn't mean to hurt us, where we let go of wounds and pursue the life of freedom and love, where we stop looking back and start looking ahead, asking for vision for what God is doing now and in the days to come.

I WANT TO LOVE LIKE THAT!!! I don't want my love to change when change is found or change is expected or required. I don't want my love to bend when being taken away or removed. I want my love to be fixed and steady, that looks on storms and suffering and isn't shaken, doesn't look away or step back. I'm asking my sweet Abba for love like that, because we are all bruised and wounded, but we aren't limited by those woundings, only by our fear. There are still incredible giftings in us and things God wants to accomplish in and through us.

Just wanted to encourage you today...PURSUE HIM...PURSUE LOVE...PURSUE COMMUNITY...PURSUE TRUTH...it's all found in being broken and weak!! Blessed are we who endure suffering as we grow near to Him!!!

a little on hunger...

Most of us have to taste our need in a fierce sort of way before our hungers jar us into turning our lives over to God.... In the Divine Arms we become less demanding and more like the One who holds us. Then we experience new hungers. We hunger and thirst for justice, for goodness and holiness. We hunger for what is right. We hunger to be saints. Most of us are not nearly hungry enough for the things that really matter. That’s why it is so good for us to feel a gnawing in our guts.

- Macrina Wiederkehr
A Tree Full of Angels

I like this quote...it inspires me...I want to be hungry for things that matter...to feel the gnawing inside...

that's all I have today...I want to be drawn in...to have solitude with Him in the midst of absolute busyness as the FLC puts on their drama, "Little Women," this up-coming Saturday and I'm Assistant Producer...go-to-girl, coffee-getter, line-prompter...a little of everything! Then two weeks before Spring Break (2 weeks long), then two weeks in April, the month of May and a few days in June before I start heading home...seems to be sneaking up quickly!!

Love you.

Keeping it simple...

KEEPING IT SIMPLE...

The art of praying, as we grow, is really the art of learning to waste time gracefully—to be simply the clay in the hands of the potter. This may sound easy—too easy to be true—but it is really the most difficult thing we ever learn to do.... This is the real reason why so few of us ever come, in this life, to the full experience of God’s love for us. - Thomas H. Green
from When the Well Runs Dry

When I read that this morning it struck a chord within me, and I stand in awe of how life all fits together. Yesterday I was crying out desperately for God to be as real to me as a boyfriend or a husband, to be felt like a person, and disappointed that it wasn't happening. Today I realize if He's within me, that's more than any boyfriend or husband can experience, as they cannot jump inside my skin and live with me, but He can. I want to get that!!!

I'm also finding out like the quote says that the hardest thing for us to do is to keep life simple...to be in His hands, to love Him, to say Yes, to trust that if He said it, it's so, and to leave it at that. I suffer not understanding how He can love me, fearing that He'll walk away at some point after throwing up His hands in disgust as I got in another mess...BUT HE DOESN'T!!! He will never leave me nor forsake me, and I'm going to keep it simple...if He said it, it's true. And when I start to doubt, I will repeat His words again and again until I know them.

I'm going to keep it simple!!