Lovers' Leap...

At youth group Tuesday night, we played a game called Lovers' Leap where you walk in a circle and then someone yells "lovers leap (where one person jumps into another's arms), three to a boat (group of 3 and rowing), family of 4 (group of 4 posing) or hit the deck (where everyone falls to the floor)." It was a blast! Then we had worship led by a 15 year old high school girl, who is amazing and the gift of worship leading in her blows my grid!!! After I was up to talk and had this great talk and activity planned to help kids find their giftings.

However, during worship, I kept feeling like it wasn't that great after all, and I thought it might just be me doubting and the enemy attacking. I was ignoring it, but the feeling kept coming back. So I said, "Well, if that's not it for tonight, what is?" Then I heard, "Take the Lover's leap." I laughed inside and said, "Whatever." But then a sweet voice spoke saying, "Tell them what you are going through right now, this very day." "No way, I don't even know what I'm going through and how to solve it, let alone sharing my heart with 20 or so teenagers and a few people I don't even know...nope, not doing that. Plus I have that sweet thing already planned." But I couldn't fight it, so I tried as best to organize my thoughts and took the leap.

What came out felt to me like a donkey attempting to perform Shakespeare, but what the kids got was SUH-WEET!!! So in a more organized fashion, let me share with you what's been going on in my heart these past few days as I have been adjusting and re-adjusting to Thailand and living as a missionary...

I've realized that I don't trust God enough and I don't focus on Him enough in my day to day activities, which keep me ridiculously busy. Through a series of several devotions throughout the past few days, I've found a few commonalities...focusing on Jesus to get free from sin and to have life and life abundant, that if I don't focus on Jesus I will hold onto things that are not meant for me to keep, and if I look only at Him, I can totally encounter Him each day.

In C.S. Lewis' "The Weight of Glory," he says, "We are half-hearted creatures fooling about with drink and sex and ambition [and religious effort] when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea...we are far too easily pleased." As I shared this with a friend, she told me the story of a young girl who had a nice set of plastic pearls that were given her by her father. She wore them every day and they were definitely a treasure. One day before her father was going away on a journey, he asked her for the pearls and said he would bring her back something better. She had a choice to trust that he was good or keep the plastic ones that she had in her hand. Because of her past experiences, she knew her father to be good, so she gave them up willingly and got a sweet set of real and priceless pearls in exchange upon her father's return. It hit me as she told me this that I don't trust God enough that if I give up something like my future happiness or getting married one day that he will be good to me and give me something better than what I think is currently the best and is in my hand.

So I went deeper, which revealed that as a young girl, I gave up a lot, hoping to get something in return from my dad...promised a horse way too many times, promises made but almost always broken...trust given, but returned void...a hopeful girl's heart looking to be noticed, but ignored and feeling mocked. (I have forgiven my dad for this, but as each memory surfaces, more forgiveness is doled out on a loving but broken man whom I still dearly love). My relationship with my earthly dad reveals so much to me about my relationship with my heavenly Dad, however is no longer limited by that as my Heavenly Dad keeps revealing His sweet and loving heart to me, which in turn heals the brokenness left by my earthly dad.

The next day I got this email devotional of Henri Nouwen, and his last line said, "I will look expectantly towards God and in the waiting will encounter Him." It hit me finally how it all fits together...the focusing on Jesus, the trusting God to be good to me, the giving up what is in my hand for what is to come...

After speaking on all this, I totally felt like I fumbled through it but then we started praying for each other. I can only speak for my group of girls, but it was a SWEET time with Him. It opened the door for teens to talk about disappointment with God, which some never admit to but definitely have in their hearts. It opened the door for Jesus to come in and love on each of us. Afterwards, almost everyone there came up to me and said thanks for sharing what's really going on...not holding back...admitting to not having the answers...

Surprise, surprise, I don't have all the answers, but I'm willing to be His fool as I keep my eyes fixed on Him, who is the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorned its shame and sat down at the right hand of the Father.

Since taking the leap, it's been all good...