living desperately...

I have realized in the past few days as I prepared to do a 20 day liquids fast that my life right now is desperate. Don't worry! I don't mean desperate like I'm at the end of my rope and going down. When I say my life is desperate what I mean is: I am desperate for God (a person having a great need or desire for something) and I'm fasting out of desperation for God to free me (of an act or attempt tried in despair or when everything else has failed and has little hope of success) from disbelief in His goodness and to help me trust in His complete provision with finances and weight loss and every other generational thing that has plagued me for way too long. I have tried every other solution on my own, and am now in a desperate place to see God's goodness, as He is my Provider, my Keeper, and my Protector.

Sitting in some beautiful gardens here in Thailand at Rajhabat University (CRU) and talking with a friend yesterday, she pointed out the fact that my life right now is desperate, and through the tears, my heart agreed. I am in a prime position to see the Lord move on my behalf as He is my only Hope right now. Starting out this year of 2008, I knew it would be a good year, a year of changes, of new adventures, of moving back to the states, and whatever comes next. It is the year of things long hoped for finally happening...dreams and desires that God planted in me, fruitfully coming into their season. And so I fast, in order to be in the right place when it happens as I am desperate for the Lord: for His hands on me, for His love, for His provision, for His protection and care, for Him.

Here's an inspiring quote by William S. Burroughs to ponder...
"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."
That is where I am at...what I have believed that is incorrect about God, I'm leaving behind, and in this desperate place, meeting with Him, He will bring about the drastic change that I need...

and of course the infamous Henry David Thoreau quote...
"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."
I don't want to lead life without fighting for my hopes and dreams.

I want to live life like George Bernard Shaw when he says, "This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I WANT TO BE THOROUGHLY USED UP WHEN I DIE, FOR THE HARDER I WORK THE MORE I LOVE. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

** Please pray for me in the 20 days until the 31st of January! Thank you so much! If you get any encouraging words for me, don't hesitate to send them my way...